Shoot me where it hurts

The weather is amazing. England is truly beautiful when summer hits. I've been spending days in the parks "reading" while waiting for my experiments. Spoke to my supervisor who convinced me that I was worrying for no reason at all. I went to see him in a mild panic, explaining that I didn't think I was doing enough for my PhD. He's so confident in my work, it makes me feel that it's good enough. I hate it when doubt about what you do creeps in and makes you feel worthless.

It also doesn't help that one of my friends has already started writing up (on time, which is rare) and she's got a couple of papers published. Don't you hate perfectionists? Actually, no, we don't hate them. We're just jealous that people make it look so effortless when we work our sorry little asses off and yet we still can't be as good as they are. WTF is that all about right?

Been contemplating a lot about my life lately, I haven't been out much lately in hopes that it will spur me on to work but it's making me feel as if I'm too much of a geek (no hope there, I'm already a PhD student) and I'm bored. Stupendously bored out of my mind. Listening to strangely depressing, almost suicidal music doesn't help does it?

Went to watch Macbeth last night at New College. Personally, I don't go to student or amateur productions, why pay money for them? But I went because JM's woman (Ale) was in it. She played Witch 3. It was actually pretty good. Amazing for a student production. They styled it as a promenade play, so we started off in the mound of New College (it just looks more and more beautiful everytime I go in there, DAMN-IT, why am I in a shitty hell hole of a college?) then moved on to corner of a building, then the chapel and finally the inner quad of the college. I'm also not a big fan of the Bard but the play was interactive so it was pretty entertaining as well.
Thumbs up. Their run ends on Sunday and I think they might be sold out but if you can get your grubby little mitts on a couple, I encourage you to go.

World Cup has started. And it's joyous. Now to get a couple of rent-a-friends so I can go to the pub to watch football with them. Barring that, I might lower myself to watch footie with A. Actually, I wouldn't sink that low.

My World Cup predictons:
Group A, Germany, Ecuador (and that was before today's matches, I am NOT a bandwagon jumper)
Group B, England, Sweden
Group C, Argentina, Holland
Group D, Portugal, Iran
Group E, Italy, USA
Group F, Brazil, Japan
Group G, France, Switzerland
Group H, Spain, Saudi Arabia (although in hindsight, I should have gone for Ukraine)

And have been contemplating on life after PhD, so many places I could go but I get the distinct impression from my mother that I should be going home. Well, something of her going along the lines of "when you're home" probably gave me the idea. But I think I'd quite like the idea of maybe going to the States. Although, they pay really well in Singapore and it's closer to home. Choices that drive me insane.

It will also be my first "real job". How freaky, I will be contributing to society soon. Pay taxes and shit like that. How will I cope?

Enough crap for a Friday night. I will sleep early, go to work tomorrow, get some more sun and then hit the town. I'm done thinking, let's get partying. Life is what you make of it and if you spend too much time worrying about it, it'll be gone by the time you decide what you want to do!

Trip happy

As I was digging through old research last night, I found some results which I thought I could use.

Looks like the first year of my PhD isn't a waste after all. Tra la la la la

It's still touch and go to finish when I want to finish but thank you God!

The World Cup is descending

It starts in 3 days time, goes on for 4 weeks and only the best team in the world gets to gloat about it for 4 years.

Time to overdose on the beautiful game.

Big screens at the ready, it's time to shatter the hopes and dreams of the English yet again. Although I'm meant to be supporting England as it's the team I got from the sweepstakes at work.

In a previous life

Took 10 days off work. Was fun while it was going on. I'm sad now that it's all over. Literally, all over.

And now it's all back to work and the normal social things going on.

Thanks to peoples who have tried to cheer me up. You're all legends. Big party soon, of course.

The People's Petition

Spread the word. The People's Petition is an online petition for those who support medical research for animals. No, I don't believe in using rabbits for the hell of it but I believe in research, carried out under very strict guidelines, enables us humans to live a better and longer life. Stopping animal research could set us back years in the fight against many human diseases.

Please stand up for what you believe in and don't let the extremists win. Animal rights extremists are no better than terrorists, they propagate fear in general society and indoctrinate all their followers to an extreme belief. They do not belong in a moderate liberal society.

Scientists feel presecuted for research into what they fundamentally believe will change the world. Will you support them in their quest to cure what might kill you some day? Sign the petition, make your voice heard and don't be terrorised by the extremists.

Big up da bop

Carlo, Miriam, Jo-Pei, me..one big happy dancing family

Holywell Manor. Crap DJ, even worse music. But fantastic, fabulous friends.

Thanks to all for a good night out, especially Chad who "fooled" around with me on the dance floor.

Quality night.

Sexy new toy

I have a new phone. Sexy...
Especially since I killed the last one by drowning it.

Now I am a happy owner of a Sony Ericsson w810i. It's a beautiful piece of kit.

Friday night and I am home alone. But only by choice. I am really tired, must be something in the air. Must be all the plants getting on giving me problems. Pollen and me, we don't get along.

Bluetooth is the most wondrous thing that's ever been invented. That and VOIP telephony. A beautiful thing. Free calls with 10Euro credit.

Life is a beautiful thing. There's a good reason why I'm happy and it has nothing to do with my PhD. Want to know all the details? Why, you'll just have to email me to find out more. Although most of you who read this will already know the answer.

Another day, another week

another month, another year, the same old same old life.
I was catching up the other day with some friends and I haven't really DONE much. Yes yes, I am busy with stuff and work but I mean, I can't explain to everyone what it is that I do exactly and why I love doing what I do. I don't really have much hobbies that I am obsessed about and can talk to lots of people about. I guess I'm just a normal wishy-washy person.

So I decided to learn Chinese. And I suck at it. I have no patience and every time I find something that I can't do, I just leave it and now I'm further and further behind in my class.

Got a lovely new phone yesterday although not sure how long I'll keep it since it doesn't really like talking to a Mac and I should upgrade to the latest OS but I'm happy with all my settings and tweakings for now. I'd hate to lose some important stuff that I might have in here for my thesis!

8 days until Mank gets here. Then I'll be able to kick back and take a week off.

This post may be a bit weird at it's written at 6am. And for those that know me well, yes, I am awake and have been awake for a few hours now actually.

Old friends and old mistakes

On Saturday, I went to meet a really old friend. One that I hadn't seen since graduation. He's now happily married and going travelling to New Zealand in October. We lost touch when we graduated and he had the sense to look me up through the alumni directory and managed to find me. It was sweet because as we were chatting away and keeping track of the number of people we're still in touch with from uni, the numbers were small. It's strange how I keep thinking that my undergraduate days were the best years of my life yet the number of friends from there is relatively small. Maybe this is what comes of being a wandering nomad over the years, and being bad at keeping in touch with people after a number of years.

I had an interesting phone conversation last night and felt deja-vu all over again You know how you tell yourself that you won't repeat what you consider as a mistake? And the same awful feeling as you realise that what you're doing at that moment is exactly what you've done before? Sometimes it feels as if my life is a reel of the same movie being played over and over again and there's nothing that I can do to stop myself crashing into the same awful catastrophe. Unless it's transforming into a bad habit, I think I must rationalise with myself that it's wrong and I should never repeat it again.

British Airways and big phrases

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that you were unprepared for the stop that your flight made at Chicago airport.

We describe our flight from London Heathrow to Houston as 'direct', rather than 'non-stop'. We have to land temporarily at Chicago and because this is the first point of entry into the country, the immigration rules say that everyone has to leave the aircraft. So we take the opportunity to re-fuel and take on new catering supplies at the same time.

To view the stop over our flights take you can visit our website ba.com and click on Planning my trip and then click on Our flight timetable and enter the departure and arrival airport.

I hope this helps and that you will choose to fly with British Airways next time.

Best regards

Franz Dsouza

British Airways Customer Relations

How mad am I at British Airways right now? Let me see a 'direct' flight means you're likely to stop and get landed somewhere else. You learn something new everyday.

What makes them think I will ever fly British Airways again? Their entertainment system sucks, the food is barely passable (I live in fear of what they pass of as a 'snack' on their flights, cured meat wedged in semi-sweet raised dough thing they call a sandwich). And now a 'direct' flight doesn't mean direct. Would have helped if they had stated it in their itinerary but having scoured through it again, it doesn't exist there.

You would expect something better from a big multinational company such as BA to get it together but in the great corporate legal-speak that belongs only to the domain of lawyers...

When you choose to fly again, please DON'T fly with what claims to be a national carrier but behaves as the ilks of the budget airlines.

Spring has arrived!!

And I know because my nose is runny all the time, my eyes get red and sore easily.

The descent of the allergies.

Whoop dee doo..

Epic-ness

It's been a while since I posted, lots of things have happened and you'll get the usual way of me telling stories. They kind of, sort of make sense, if you happen to accept the fact that I do live in my own little world.

Katey's wedding was fun. On the left is the happy couple with their witnesses and on the right is me, Katey, Sarah and Charlie. Thanks for the great day Mrs K. I know you still get a kick out of it.

After the wedding, I got to go to Houston. But first let me tell you a story about British Airways. Ah, the greatness of BA. They sold me a direct ticket from Heathrow to Houston, Texas. They just neglected to tell me that I would be stopping over in Chicago, clearing customs and immigration, picking up my baggage, checking it back in and then back on the same plane to Houston. I'm not liking this idea of direct flights of BA. Maybe they need to define a new industry standard for it.

Conference was fun. Houston is a loud loud oil city. It is also the home of the Houston Space Center, origin of "Houston, we have a problem".

Me in front of the remnants of one Apollo(?) satellites. If anyone can tell me what I took a picture of myself in front of, I'd like to know actually.






Oh, I am easily amused....This is the ceiling of one of the exhibitions there.







Me touching a piece of the moon! Yay, I am officially sad.








The real mission control room where they monitored the moon landings and all the space shuttle missions. It's retired now with a new one hidden away. But they've kept the original, just for kicks. Oh yeah, it's also a piece of history.





The reason why there is a picture of this is that I find it highly amusing that everything that can be sponsored is sponsored in America. Is there anything that isn't for sale? Altruism at its best but surely it must go too far? That's for another post maybe.





Look, a scientist! Me at work in the conference, standing by my poster. For those who are confused by this idea, there's too many people who want to present stuff at a conference of this size (think lots and lots of people) so they put people in a big hall next to their posters and present their work to anyone who's interested. It's kinda fun actually.







Goodbye skyscrapers. Downtown Houston.








At the end of the conference, moved on to Bloomington, Indiana. Now for those who know, this wasn't really done just for the hell of it. Went to visit one of my friends, Kath, currently committing hara-kiri by attempting to do a PhD programme at Indiana University. For the other people who live in the States that I didn't manage to visit, I apologise, I will get to you next time. Or when you have your first child... (hint to Fern).

Spent a couple of days chilling out with Kath, going shopping at outlet malls, I love spending British pounds, other people's money always seem better value. It's even better value when I'm home but that's another story. On Thursday, we hit Chicago.

First night, went out with Wendy to party. I highly recommend The Redhead Piano Bar. Good atmosphere, people just chilling out singing along to the piano-man and the tuneful chick that's his sidekick.








The next day, we went to have a lovely luscious morning, pedicures at The Nail Bar, then haircuts at Mark Anthony. Kath had to study in the afternoon so I went on an Architectural Tour of Chicago. It's the best thing ever. Chicago is known for all the pretty buildings so I learnt a lot about it in an afternoon.
The Art Institute of Chicago and a fresco in a building whose name escapes me right now. (It is 4 am in the morning while I'm doing this, amnesia due to insomnia.)




What a beautiful city..











The sculpture is called CloudGate but is affectionately known as "The Bean" in Millenium Park in Chicago.







mmm....Hershey shop in Chicago..








On Saturday, I was given the opportunity to attend opening weekend of the Cubs game in Wrigley Field with Kath, Wendy and Chris. It was COLD. We froze bravely until the sixth inning and then went to a bar to watch John Cusack sing at the seventh inning stretch. It was fun to be in the atmosphere at the end of the ball game. Thousands of people in Wrigleyville, which is the neighbourhood where the ball park is at, getting into bars and enjoying the fact the the Cubs won the game.











Kath is slightly photo-allergic but I thought she should have some shots since she took all the time out to show me around the place. So Kath driving around showing me the sights, literally. Thank you dahling. Mwah Mwah.




Goodbye Chicago.





Hoosiers are people who live in Indiana. Isn't that amusing?








On Monday, Kath had classes all day so I spent the day with Michael, one of her friends. He took me out to Monroe Lake and it was a gorgeous sunny day and we spent it talking about philosophy. The shadow pic is us.






That's all folks.

Oh, and for those that know my church-going abilities quite well, I made a slight error this evening by going to Holy Thursday mass in full Latin. It was painful, I'm going to try another place tomorrow.

Happy Easter everyone. It's all good. Christ is risen again.

How interesting!

OK, it's been a while since I posted.

Last weekend was fun. Went to Kathryn and Adam's wedding which was held in the beautiful Lake District. No pictures up yet but there will be some others soon.

I cannot believe Chad is leaving the country! I hope it's not for good and he will be back soon with more plans and more merry making (also known as drinking).

I leave to Houston on Tuesday, and get to pick up my poster tomorrow. The damn printers better get the font right. I picked this great font for the headings and it comes up as some sort of shite Arial type business on their crappy little PC (I'm sorry, what decent printer doesn't use a Mac?, but please ignore my fan-chick comment). Thanks for Kathi and Phil who kept me going with the poster and gave many many constructive comments.

The thought that's been running through my head this week is the number of interesting friends I have. No one has managed quite an assortment of strange people such as me. You guys know who you are and I can't name (and shame!!) people but I suppose knowing strange people comes with my territory.

A little known (I think) fact about Houston. It's the fattest city in America. Oh joy.

The legend that is Clarkie returns to Oxford for this weekend only to regale us of tales from his trip to Rwanda, the D.R Congo and somewhere else war-torn. Because he can.

Currently mad about Fall out boy and their incredibly random lyrics.

Also, my favorite band in the whole world, Barenaked Ladies, is organising a cruise centered around them. USD699. Anyone wants to buy me a space as an early graduation present?

Cannot concentrate on work. Motivation required.

someone please tell me the quickest way to get the fuck out of Oxen-hole.

Aside from shooting myself.

xxxxxxx

How to...

kill yourself in 7 days.

Work a lot.

Party hard.

A thought. Or two. Maybe more.

I look for validation in wrong places.

Maybe it's time I look for them with the right people.

Am currently in love with "Like Her" by Mandalay and the new Jack Johnson album. It's the only thing that I'm listening to, all the time, on repeat.

Bored as hell with my life. But there's nothing better so I've got make the best of it.

Shrove Tuesday today. The rest of the Christian world has carnivals/Mardi Gras galore.
In England, people eat pancakes.
Go figure.
Nonetheless, we are having a pancake party.

It looks like
You won’t be staying round
Given the time
And your mood
You look a lot like her
And you look so like
You won’t be staying around
Here in this half light
You look a lot like her

The most haunting lyrics ever. Helped along with the vocals of Nicola Hitchcock.

The Magnificat

My soul glorifies the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour,
He looks on his servant in her lowliness;
henceforth all ages will call me blessed.

The Almighty works marvels for me.
Holy is his name!
His mercy is from age to age,
on those who fear him.

He puts forth his arm in strength
and scatters the proud-hearted.
He casts the mighty from their thrones
and raises the lowly.

He fills the starving with good things,
send the rich away empty,

He protects Israel, his servant,
remembering his mercy,
the mercy promised to our fathers,
to Abraham and his sons for ever.

So, I managed to drag my sorry little self to church today, remembering that Ash Wednesday is in a few days time and I need to start thinking about Lent. It was great. I do love going to church and having time with me and God. I must do it more.

What do I give up for Lent? Not going to be helped by the fact that my friend's wedding is in the middle of it (Congratulations Katey, can't wait!!) and that I will be in America for two weeks.

Suggestions welcome.
And something simple please, I'm not a big fan of willpower and discipline.

Party party party

All work and no play makes me very bored. So, went down to London on Thursday for dinner.

Then the party crazy bug hidden inside crept out on Friday so met with Annie and Jo for drinks at the Duke. Then later in the evening went out with my housemates Toni and Carlo to The Old School for a party. Toni gets in for free because he knows the guys running it. We get in for free because he gave Carlo a VIP pass card. Nice. Jo joins us and we boogie until 2:30am.

And tonight I have to pick between going to London for Schaff's flatwarming craziness or try to cope with another St Cross party. I think London beckons...

-untitled-

Rash decisions
Surreal experiences
Faceless names
Nameless faces
Fleeting glances

No thought
No time

Push the rush
No regrets.

-aL-

Blissful relief

I went to see Mary for the weekend. She introduced me to Firefly, and I'm now in love with it. It's basically Indiana Jones meets Star Wars quality. We went for a pampering treatment, the whole caboodle with massage and facial. Very blissful. Mary is a rare friend, someone whom I can just sit around quietly without worrying or thinking about much. There's no need to talk too much and silence is just as meaningful as the spoken word.

Went to church for the first time in a long time with Mary as well. I guess there's something about the churches in Oxford that don't compel me to go. It's not that I'm still not close to God and it's not that my belief in faltered. The sense of community that I wish to have doesn't seem to exist in the places where I want to worship my saviour. But that's neither here nor there. It feels nice to be in a church and to be in Mass, to celebrate Communion and be at one with the Holy Spirit physically.

I finished reading a few books lately that have struck some deep thought. Thanks to Katey who gave me the books. The Binding Chair by Kathryn Harrison. She describes in graphic detail the story of a woman who had her foot bound and her (mis)-adventures through life with it. She relishes in the pain that she describes through the books and enjoys describing perverse fetishes, of which there are many in the book. Right after that I read The Rice Mother by Rani Manicka. I will be slightly biased about this book mainly because I am Malaysian and I have every right to nitpick on whatever I feel like. This book is multigenerational and spans matriachal lines. It starts of with a child bride travelling from Ceylon (Sri Lanka) to Malaysia, the land of dreams. Basically, an American dream story. Hard work will give you a great life, all of this interspersed with the usual Malaysian melee of racial diversity and inequality, the progress through time from a small town to a big city and the changes in lifestyle.

Both authors relish the sexual perversity or sheer cruelty that they want to exist in the life of their characters. It's not as if they don't exist in real life. I just find it condescending that they could not choose to develop their characters in a better light. Strong female characters are always cruel or have strange sexual perversions. What is it about the female self that when even a woman is writing about another she can't potray her in a more well-rounded way? Or are all our neuroses so genetic that we can't bear to think of another woman in a better light than we see ourselves? Where are the female role models that we need to see around us today?

Finally got round to reading Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier and everyone's right. The movie isn't as good as the book.

And now moving on to the final book on my reading shelf at the moment, Lords of the Fly: Drosophila Genetics and the Experimental Life by Robert Kohler. Technically, it's classed as a history textbook but I find it particularly helpful and rather amusing to read about the good old days of genetics when only not so modern tools were available to break down and give the scientist much grief!

Now if I only could some motivation to get up in the morning and do some work at normal hours instead of being a nocturnal creature?

Bummer

Today I discovered how screwed up it can all get. I have been awake for far too long, having had another night of insomnia last night. I've been awake for about 27 hours straight now. Wow.

I left my passport yesterday at the US Embassy where it will be returned to me within 5-10 working days.

Today, someone stole my bank cards out of my wallet in my lab. Luckily bank cards are easily replaceable and banks SHOULD *crossing fingers* be pretty good about replacing fradulent transactions.

But the bummer of it is I now can't even go to a bank to withdraw cash as although I have a cheque book I don't have a photo and signature ID. Bless Gav and his lil cotton socks, he's gonna get me some cash for the weekend and I'm hoping Mary *hint hint* will help sort me out for a bit.

On the upside, the little thieving piece of shit didn't take my whole wallet and bank cards are the easiest to replace. One quick phone call. Unlike all my other cards and my driver's license.

And it means I won't go shopping when the new Primark opens in Oxford tomorrow.

There's always a good side to things in life..

xx

And damnit, if you're a friend reading this post, show me some love. *sniff sniff*